2004-10-07 @ 11:45 p.m.
ramble
Everything is weird at the moment. I'm only purging occasionally. Cutting is up and down. I have a new job in a new pub. I work 44 hours a week. I'm exhausted. I have put on weight. My breasts have gone up a cup size. People look at them now and comment on them. I'm not used to it and always think they're talking to someone else. I am trying not to drink as much. I don't want to get back into the bad routine I was in a few months ago. I now pay mum rent. The only time she talks to me is when she has something to moan at me about. I want to move out so that I can cut and smoke without worrying about it. I've been offered a place in a band, as the vocalist and possibly a pianist. They have a recording contract and have working with Beth Orton from Portishead. I love her!
Recently I have been feeling very, very low. Keep thinking about overdosing and running infront of cars. I think I'm feeling so bad because next month it is the first anniversary of the assault. I cant believe a year has gone by so quickly. It's going to be really hard to cope with all the memories. The first anniversary is always the most painful and difficult. The other day I was thinking about it and without realising it I started rubbing my wrists against the bar and pinching them. I looked down and realised what I was doing and was desperate to cut deeply into my arm, my leg, anything, just to get rid of the feeling I had, whatever that feeling was....
I'm going fucking crazy.
Tears gone byANDTears
to come
